Chuck "The" Great Norris

Dedicated to those who were unaware of this sensational Man..(Neehhhh)

# Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.


# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

# Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.


# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

# Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

# Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

# Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

#Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

#Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

#Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
#When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
#Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

#It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
#The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

#Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

This one is BEST

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

For more on Chuck Norris please visit :http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com